14 February 2012

They're Flocking This Way

Since I've been Chinese all of my life, I know how to measure self worth by numbers. 4.0, 1600 (now 2400), valedictorian, 3.14159265, 1.3 billion, 888, M3, six figures, half price, two for one, one child...

Since Twitter self-esteem can often be tied into how many followers you have, I thought it would be nice to put together a handy guide to what you've achieved so far and how much your parents will love you. And if they'll humble brag about you at other people's family dinners.

Kiwi (5+): Someone coerced you into signing up for Twitter. Two years ago. You barely have any social media wings and are flightless.
Pigeon (25+): You used the friend search function. You don't really want to interact with anyone it found, except that one person who you text all the time anyway. Twitter is laaaaame.
Seagull (50-100+): Your have IRL friends on Twitter and you guys love it. Mine, mine, mine!
Hummingbird (250+): You're an artist of some kind, or an entrepreneur, you are using Twitter to "expand your network."
Woodpecker: (500+): You are still trying to expand your network. You wonder if you're narcissistic in your semi-private journal.
Owl (1,000+): You now officially have more Twitter friends than real friends. Possibly by a lot.
Flamingo (3,000+): You have achieved niche fame. You wield influence and power, but in small doses.
Peacock (10,000+): You've been offered some cash for a sponsored tweet. You turned them down to preserve your integrity. And then tweeted about it.
Hawk (100,000+): "How much are you paying? Where do I sign?" Signs of early onset megalomania.
Condor (500,000+): You are an athlete, or already famous.
Gryphon (1,000,000+): You are a movie star or celebrity. But not yet as popular as MC Hammer.
Phoenix (5,888,146): You've hit the pinnacle, you are Mariah Carey.
Bieber (17,000,000+): Actually there's one more level, one boy to rule us all. Mariah's co-star on the "All I Want For Christmas Is You" remake.
1/5: You are spamming people and just trying to get that count up. It's okay, everybody's gotta start somewhere.
1/1: Quid pro quo. You follow back people who follow you.
5/1: You follow people back selectively. Maybe you just went through a Twitter follower purge.
20/1: There's a doorman working your Twitter account. He is totally blasé and makes people line up outside for no reason.
100/1: Who do you think you are?!
1,000/1: Too self important to care about us little people eh?
10,000/1: You are Ashton Kutcher
100,000/1: You are Bill Simmons
1,000,000/1: You are Lady Gaga
9,035,175/1: You are Marshall Mathers. Seriously? Eminem's PR people couldn't follow just one person for show? Dr. Dre?
I hope this has helped you place yourself in the Twitterverse. I know I feel much better. Like the Immortals of Persian army fame, my new goal is to hit 1,000 followers and then trim them down to always exactly 1,000. "The unit's name stemmed from the custom that every killed, seriously wounded or sick member was immediately replaced with a new one, maintaining the cohesion of the unit." I won't ask anyone be killed or seriously wounded but if you're sick, we'll handle it on a case by case basis.

Oh geezes, upon further research, the Immortals actually always numbered 10,000. Forget it, I'm just going to call my team the "1/10th Immortals." I'm an underachieving Asian anyway, it's more appropriate. Also, this is a good time to shout out my favorite Persians: Xerxes, Lilly, and Ameer. Not necessarily in that order of course.

I can't believe I just said "shout out." And used "IRL" up above. Forgive me.